Evan Baughfman
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Lions, and Tigers, and Bears--Oh, My!

This was one of the very first plays I ever wrote.  Our church put it on when I was in high school.  Very cool opportunity.

The Story of Noah is a well-known one, but it's never been told quite like this...

 

Lions, and Tigers, and Bears--Oh, My!

 

Cast of Characters

 

NOAH- mankind’s final hope (male)

GOD- the Almighty (male)

HAM- Noah’s son (male)

PORK- Ham’s wife (female)

SHEM- Noah’s other son (male)

EVIL PERSON- not a nice individual (male or female)

SHEM’S WIFE- spouse of Shem (female)

NOAH’S WIFE- spouse of Noah (female)

JAPHETH- yes, another of Noah’s sons (male)

ANIMALS- various species and sizes (male or female)

 

(NOAH stands alone center-stage. He has a very serious look upon his face.)

 

NOAH

I am Noah, a man without fault or error. Except, well, I do have a sixth toe on my right foot, and I think I might have a few cavities…I should really lay off those sweets…But, um, yeah, I am nearly perfect. As blood was shed and evil possessed those around me, God took notice. I mean, really, how could He overlook any of it? He is all-seeing and all-knowing, after all. And I am pretty awesome, if I must say so myself…

 

(GOD walks onto the stage, moving with grace. He sits down in a seat at a table upstage right.)

 

NOAH (cont’d)

It all started one day while God and I were talking about Heaven’s favorite pastime, baseball…

 

(Noah joins God at the table and sits down across from the Lord.)

 

GOD

...and that is why I am right and you are wrong. Like always.

 

NOAH

No, no, I have to disagree with You there, God. The Dodgers are going to win it all this year.

 

GOD

Ha! When pigs fly! You know, I could make that happen. Wouldn’t that just make the people of Earth go crazy? “Look! In the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s…bacon…?”

 

NOAH

Oh, You think You know everything.

 

GOD

Well, don’t I?

 

NOAH

Show-off…So, then, which team is worthy of Your praise?

 

GOD

All are worthy of my praise. I’m just not dishing out much because of all the evil in the world. If my people would just—

 

NOAH

Uh, God, I’m sorry, but don’t get off track here. We were talking about baseball, not the world’s problems.

 

GOD

Fine, Noah, if you absolutely must know…The Angels are looking very nice these days. They’re so outstanding I’m toying with the idea of allowing some of them to live with me in Heaven for all of eternity.

 

NOAH

Angels in Heaven? Really?

 

GOD

Hey, what I say goes. And, by the way, I have to tell you something.

 

(A man, HAM, walks on-stage, followed by a woman, PORK. Pork carries a plate full of meat. Noah stands to greet them, smiling. The couple come over to the table.)

 

NOAH

God, it’s my son, Ham, and his wife, Pork.

 

GOD

Yes, Noah, I know. What’s your question, Ham?

 

NOAH

I thought You knew all?

 

GOD

I do. It’s for your sake.

 

HAM

How are you, God? You’re looking rather fit today.

 

PORK

Yes, God, have You been working out?

 

GOD

No, I just imagine myself this way…and POOF! I’ve got a six-pack and bazookas for arms. Why are you two kissing my butt?

 

(Pork places the plate of meat onto the table in front of God.)

 

HAM

Because it’s such a fine butt!

 

PORK

As hard as a rock!

 

NOAH

This is getting awkward. What’s going on? Ham, what is this meat on this plate? I’ve never seen anything sliced quite like it before.

 

HAM

Dad, that’s what we’re here for. God, will You name this meat after me?

 

PORK

Yes, God, would You? It comes from the loins of the pig. Ham’s jealous because You named the other pig meat after me. “Pork.” He won’t quit whining. Day and night he whines about “pork.” Won’t you please call this meat “ham”?

 

(Ham gets onto his knees, folding his hands together.)

 

GOD

Really, there’s no need to pray to me about this. I’m right here in front of you.

 

HAM

I’m not praying. I’m begging you, please name this meat after me.

 

GOD

Sure. It is done. Now both of you have pig meat named after yourselves.

 

HAM

Yes! Now I don’t have to listen to Pork’s bragging!

 

PORK

I never bragged.

 

HAM

Yes, you did. You and your cousin, Salami, kept rubbing it in about how much cooler you were because you had pig meat named after you, and—

 

NOAH

Please, stop the bickering.

 

PORK

Fine. Ham’s just a subdivision of pork anyway.

 

HAM

I can see it now…“Ham: The Other Other White Meat.”

 

PORK

Let’s go tell your brothers and your mom.

 

HAM

Thanks, God. I’ll never stop worshipping You!

 

GOD

Good idea.

 

(Ham and Pork leave. Ham skips off-stage.)

 

NOAH

God, what do I do with this meat? I can’t eat it. It’s from an unclean animal.

 

GOD

Well, if you people would just bathe the poor creatures…I sincerely hope no one else in your family wants meat named after him. The next thing I know—and, let’s face it, I do know—your son, Japheth, will want a new form of cow meat named after him.

 

NOAH

A “japheth-and-cheese sandwich” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, does it?

 

GOD

Noah, I’ve been trying to tell you something. You’re someone I respect. We have a friendly relationship with one another. Don’t kill any more animals. Not for food. Not for any reason.

 

NOAH

Why not?

 

GOD

I’ve decided to put an end to mankind. Soon, every human on this world will be dead for his or her evil ways.

 

NOAH

I’m not evil. My family’s not evil.

 

GOD

Don’t worry. You, your wife, your sons, and their wives will be spared.

 

NOAH

And the animals?

 

GOD

All in good time, my friend. But first you must build a boat out of timber. Time to take notes.

 

(God pulls out a pad of paper and a pen. He hands the items over to Noah. Noah takes notes while listening to God.)

 

GOD (cont’d)

Make rooms inside of the boat and smother its outside with tar.

 

NOAH

Would peanut butter work? It’s sticky.

 

GOD

No, use tar. Make the boat 450 feet long, 75 feet wide, and 45 feet high.

 

NOAH

That’s pretty big. How about 400 feet long, 60 feet wide, and 30 feet high?

 

GOD

How about I ask someone else if he or she would like to be spared from my horrible flood?

 

NOAH

How horrible is this flood going to be?

 

GOD

Just listen…Make a roof for the boat. Put three decks in it, and put a large door into its side.

 

NOAH

Large enough for an elephant?

 

GOD

Two elephants.

 

NOAH

How about a swimming pool? Jacuzzi?

 

GOD

Something tells me you’ll be sick of water. Swimming will be the last thing on your mind.

 

NOAH

Okay. Gotcha. Why must I build such a large boat?

 

GOD

I am going to kill every living thing on Earth with this tremendous flood. Kind of like what I did with Mars a while back. You and your family will stay on this boat throughout the flood.

 

NOAH

Why are we allowed to live?

 

GOD

You’re good people. You know how to care for animals. So that they may continue to live, I want you to take a male and female of every animal and bird onto the boat with you.

 

NOAH

Even hyenas? Their laughs really annoy me.

 

GOD

Even hyenas.

 

NOAH

Darn.

 

GOD

Take plenty of food for your family and the animals. Now the great flood will not wipe out all of my people or all of my beautiful animals.

 

NOAH

Are you sure we can’t leave the hyenas behind?

 

GOD

Just get to work. Don’t make me regret this decision.

 

SOME TIME LATER

 

(A large boat is on-stage. God and Noah stand before it.)

 

GOD (cont’d)

The ark is very nice.

 

NOAH

It’s called The Floating Jungle.

 

GOD

Go into The Floating Jungle with your family, for you are the only one who does what is right in the world. Take seven pairs of each ritually clean animal, and only one pair of every other unclean animal, along with you.

 

NOAH

It’s going to be crowded in there. A zoo, I tell you! A zoo!

 

GOD

You must do this so every kind of animal and bird will be able to thrive again on Earth. In seven days, I will unleash my fury onto the world. All will perish as they drown in the forty-day-and-night flood.

 

NOAH

(under his breath)

Can someone say “anger issues”?

 

GOD

What was that?

 

NOAH

Nothing. Sorry.

 

GOD

Be on the boat in seven days, Noah. The animals also. Or else.

 

SOMETIME LATER

 

(Noah, and another son, SHEM, stand beside the boat. As animals pass by, Shem checks them off on a clipboard.)

 

SHEM

Toucans, mice, bison, jackals…Check, check, check, check.

 

NOAH

Shem, my son, look who’s trying to creep aboard.

 

(An EVIL PERSON in a scary mask is now among the group of parading beasts.)

 

SHEM

Excuse me, buddy, but this ride is strictly for animals.

 

(The evil person moves close to Shem.)

 

EVIL PERSON

Hello. Do you like scary movies?

 

(Shem and Noah share confused looks. Noah walks up to the masked figure.)

 

EVIL PERSON

What’s your favorite scary movie, Noah?

 

SHEM

What’s a movie?

 

NOAH

You’ll have to get out of here. We need to get these animals onto the boat.

 

EVIL PERSON

Do you want to die today?

 

SHEM

Uh…no…That’s why we’re getting on the boat.

 

(God appears.)

 

GOD

Is this person causing problems?

 

EVIL PERSON

All of you be quiet! What’s up with this boat? Tell me or you all die!

 

GOD

You’re threatening the wrong people.

 

EVIL PERSON

Who are you to say what I can and can’t do?

 

GOD

I’m God.

 

EVIL PERSON

Really? Well…uh…if that’s the case, I’ll just be…

 

(The evil person runs off-stage.)

 

SHEM

What was that all about?

 

NOAH

That was one of the bad seeds.

 

GOD
Yes, one of many, unfortunately. Hopefully we won’t be having any of that in the future.

 

NOAH

You frightened him off for now. But what if he comes back?

 

(Just then, the evil person appears again on-stage, creeping up slowly behind the trio. The figure creeps up to the back of the boat and peeks around the side of the boat.)

 

GOD

Don’t worry about it.   He’ll be taken care of. Keep working on this, Shem.

 

SHEM

Okay, then…Beavers, check. Alligators, check. Flamingoes, check. Ferrets, check.

 

(One of the animals from the boat “attacks” the evil person, biting at his neck. [Someone off-stage throws a stuffed animal or puppet at the evil-doer, who thrashes about as if in pain.] Shem, Noah, and God don’t seem to notice. The evil person flails around and finally collapses in the background.)

 

NOAH

Well, we’ve almost got every bird and animal.

 

SHEM

Yep. All we need are lions, and tigers, and bears.

 

(A group of people approach the boat. Among them are Ham and Pork. Some of the others include NOAH’S WIFE, SHEM’S WIFE, and JAPHETH, and they carry stuffed animals.)

 

SHEM (cont’d)

You guys have the…

 

HAM

Lions…

 

PORK

And tigers…

 

SHEM’S WIFE

And bears.

 

NOAH’S WIFE

Oh, my.

 

(Noah approaches the woman.)

 

NOAH

What is it, my dear?

 

(Noah’s wife looks up to the sky. She points. Everyone looks upward.)

 

JAPHETH

What is it, Mom?

 

NOAH’S WIFE

It’s beginning to rain.

 

GOD

Good observation. It begins.

 

SHEM’S WIFE

Now?

 

GOD

It’s starting off light now. A slight drizzle. Soon, it’ll be raining cats and dogs.

 

JAPHETH

I thought we were trying to save all the animals?

 

GOD

These are the evil cats and dogs who didn’t make the cut. The ones who scratched up furniture and peed on rugs.

 

HAM

Harsh.

 

GOD

What was that?

 

HAM

Nothing.

 

GOD
In a few days, the water will be miles deep. I’d get into The Floating Jungle if I were you.

 

NOAH

Let’s do it.

 

(Noah and his family get into the boat with the remaining animals. The evil person still lies dead or unconscious in the background. God closes the door to the boat and walks away…)

 

FORTY DAYS LATER

 

(Everyone is now inside the boat. Animals are scattered around the cast.)

 

NOAH’S WIFE

It’s really coming down outside.

 

PORK

It’s raining jaguars and coyotes out there.

 

SHEM’S WIFE

We’re floating above the mountains now.

 

HAM

I hope this ends soon. The stench in here is unbearable, and I’m not just talking about the grizzlies.

 

JAPHETH

Why do animals smell so bad?

 

NOAH

Quit complaining. We’re lucky God asked us to do this.

 

(Shem shovels something off the floor and places it into a bucket.)

 

NOAH (cont’d)

How’s the scooping of the poop going?

 

SHEM

Same as always. Rabbit pellets are easy. Kangaroo dung isn’t much of a chore. Rhinoceros turds…That’s where I begin to draw a line.

 

PORK

I hope the rain stops soon.

 

ONLY 150 DAYS LATER

 

NOAH

The rain has stopped, my family. The Floating Jungle has held up well.

 

JAPHETH

What do we do now, Dad?

 

NOAH

Hmm…I guess we just sit here and float until God makes the water dry up. That shouldn’t take too long.

 

A MERE 40 DAYS INTO THE FUTURE

 

NOAH

The raven I sent out is taking a long time.

 

NOAH’S WIFE

I told you to send out the dove.

 

SHEM’S WIFE

Yeah, doves are more reliable.

 

HAM

Ravens are tricksters.

 

PORK

The way they just sit there above the chamber doors is really creepy, too.

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

(Noah holds a branch covered in leaves.)

 

NOAH

There is life again in the world.

 

HAM

Do we go outside, Dad?

 

NOAH

No, I will send the dove out again.

 

PORK

Strap a GPS to this one.

 

NOAH

A what?

 

DAYS LATER

 

PORK

Where’s the dove, Noah? I told you to secure a GPS to its ankle…

 

NOAH

And I told you that no such technology exists yet. I don’t know where the dove is. It must’ve found a home out there.

 

(God appears.)

 

GOD

That is exactly right. Noah, get out of here. Take all of the animals and your family with you. You may see the world now without life. Fill it with living creatures.

 

(Noah, his family, and the animals leave the boat.)

 

JAPHETH

Here we go. We get to start it over.

 

HAM

There’s so much pressure.

 

PORK

I hope we don’t screw this up.

 

SHEM

I know. What if we spawn evil?

 

GOD

Don’t worry. I will never curse the Earth again for man’s actions. Perhaps donkey’s actions or giant squid’s actions, but never man’s.

 

SHEM’S WIFE

That’s a relief.

 

GOD

I know that evil is in the minds of many when they are born. As long as the world exists, there will be a time for planting and a time for harvest. There will always be cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night.

 

NOAH

Dodgers and Giants.

 

HAM

Ham and pork.

 

NOAH’S WIFE

Dragons and unicorns.

 

GOD

Uh, huh, whatever.

 

NOAH

We trust Your judgment, my Lord.

 

GOD

Thank you. Have many children so that your descendants will live all over the Earth.

 

SHEM

That sounds like fun…Not…

 

SHEM’S WIFE

What was that?

 

SHEM

Nothing, my dear wife…

 

GOD

All of the animals will live in fear of you, for your power is greater than theirs. Except for sea cucumbers. I have made them vastly intelligent.

 

HAM

What’s a sea cucumber?

 

GOD

You can eat the animals and the plants. Again, you should probably stay away from the sea cucumbers. I know they sound like a food, but they’re not.

 

PORK

They’re no good in salad.

 

GOD

You must never eat meat with blood in it.

 

HAM

Why not?

 

GOD

First off, you’re not vampires. Secondly, there’s still life in that blood. That leads to my Number One Rule: If anyone takes the life of a human, the punishment will be death. This goes for both animals and people.

 

NOAH

The killer whales will have to learn not to take their name so seriously.

 

GOD

I will also now make my covenant to you and your descendants. This goes for all creatures of the Earth. I, God, promise never to destroy all living things with a flood. Fire…Maybe. Earthquake…Possibly. Famine…Most likely. But never a flood.

 

SHEM’S WIFE

That’s comforting.

 

SHEM

Yeah, we’ve already survived a good number of famines!

 

GOD

As a sign of my promise to you all, a rainbow will appear over the clouds whenever the rain stops falling. Whenever I see the rainbow, I will be reminded of my covenant to all beings of the world.

 

HAM

Couldn’t the sign be, like, a T-Rex riding a motorcycle across the sky instead?

 

GOD

No. The rainbow represents mankind. All the different kinds of people who will be blended together in blissful harmony and unity. The rainbow is mankind. From here until the end of time, it will be considered among the “manliest” of symbols.

 

(A rainbow appears in the sky. Everyone looks at it in awe. )

 

PORK

It’s beautiful.

 

HAM

It’s gorgeous, like it’s made out of ham.

 

GOD

I will never forget this promise. Never.

 

NOAH

I believe You.

 

EVERYONE

We all believe You.

 

GOD

I think I might even believe myself this time.  

 

Fade to black.

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