Evan Baughfman
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Hot Dog Crisis

This was inspired by a story that my students wrote.

 

“Hot Dog Crisis”

adapted into a play by Evan Baughfman

 

Characters:

Dad 

Mom 

Emilia 

Brother 

Hot Dog #1

Hot Dog #2  

Birds  

 

One day, a family has a barbeque in the backyard.  The kids play, while their dad stands at the grill.  A group of birds hangs out in the corner.

 

Dad:  Don’t you love the smell of smog in the afternoon?  What a beautiful day for a barbeque. 

 

Birds:  Caw!  Caw!  Food!  Caw!  Caw!

 

Emilia:  What’s for lunch?  Are we having chicken?

 

Birds:  How rude!  You monsters!

 

They fly away.

 

Dad:  No, Emilia.

 

Brother:  Are we having braised pork ribs?

 

Dad:  No, son.  It’s a hot dog kind of day.

 

Emilia:  I wonder what part of the pig my hot dog will come from? 

 

Brother:  Me, too!

 

Kids:  Mystery meat!  Yaaaaaaay!

 

The kids high-five.

 

Mom enters with a package of hot dogs and a bag of coal.

 

Mom:  A “mystery” is right, kids.  Your dad’s paycheck wasn’t as big this month, so I had to buy these discounted hot dogs.  There is no telling what kind of animal they come from.

 

Kids:  (whiny) Daaaaaaaaaaaad.

 

Dad:  Sorry, kids. 

 

Brother:  Maybe it’s real dog meat!  Like Chihuahua or Golden Retriever!

 

Emilia:  As long as it’s not raccoon.  Remember how sick we got the last time we ate raccoon?

 

Dad:  We only eat raccoon on special occasions, honey.

 

Mom hands over the hot dogs and the bag of coal.

 

Mom:  This “magic coal” was on sale, too.

 

Dad:  Why is there a big warning label on it?

 

Mom:  Huh.  How’d I miss that? 

 

Emilia:  (reading the label) “Warning:  Only experienced magicians should use this coal.  Results can be unpredictable.”

 

Brother:  Good thing Dad knows magic!

 

Dad:  They don’t call me the “Great Dadini” for nothing.

 

Mom:  No one calls you that, dear.

 

The magic coals are put on the grill.  Dad lights the coals.  The hot dogs are placed on the grill. 

 

Dad:  (waving his spatula like a magic wand)  Abracadabra!  Alakazam!  Hot dogs, be tastier than green eggs and ham!

 

Nothing happens.

 

Dad:  (again, waving his spatula like a magic wand)  Abracadabra!  Alakazam!  Hot dogs, be tastier than green eggs and ham!

 

Again, nothing happens.

 

Emilia: Are the hot dogs ready yet?

 

Brother: Yeah, I’m starving!

 

Dad:  You can’t rush magic, kids!  You know that!

 

Suddenly, two hot dogs come to life and leap off the grill.

 

Hot Dogs: Aaaaahhhh!

 

Dad: Aaaaahhhh!

 

Hot Dogs: Aaaaahhhh!

 

Mom:  Aaaaahhhh!

 

Hot Dogs: Aaaaahhhh!

 

 

Kids: Aaaaahhhh!

 

The hot dogs look at the family.  The family look at the hot dogs.

 

Family and hotdogs all in unison: Aaaaahhhh!

 

Hot Dog #1: Quiet down, everybody.  We’re sorry for yelling.

 

The whole family shuts their mouths in shock.

 

Hot Dog #2: The coals were burning our bottoms.  It was very uncomfortable.

 

Hot Dog #1:  And we don’t want to be eaten!

 

Hot Dog #2:  That, too!

 

Dad: Well, too bad! 

 

Hot Dog #1:  But we are sentient now!

 

Hot Dog #2:  We are now able to feel pain and experience emotion.

 

Hot Dog #1:  We can be fine companions to your children. 

 

Hot Dog #2:  Yes, we’ll play many games with them.

 

Dad:  Our kids know the rules:  no playing with their food.

 

Mom:  And I paid money for you.  Now you’ve got to be eaten!

 

Hot Dog #1: (to #2) Run!

 

Mom: You can run, but you can’t hide!

 

Kids: Get them!

 

Hot Dog #1:  (at the grill) Let’s hide here.

 

Hot Dog #2:  Good idea!  That will be the last place they look!

 

They hide behind the grill.

 

Dad: Where did they go? 

 

The kids check behind the grill.

 

Kids:  Here they are!

 

Hot Dog #2:  Bad idea!  This is the first place they looked!

 

Hot Dog #1:  (pointing)  Look!  After returning from the grocery store, that adult human female left the side gate open!

 

Hot Dog #2:  Let’s go!

 

The hot dogs dodge the family and make it through the open gate.  Now, they are on the street.

 

Hot Dog #1: Oh, jeez!  We made it!  We’re safe!

 

Hot Dog #2:  Finally, we got out of there!

 

Hot Dog #1:  What now?  Disneyland?

 

Hot Dog #2:  Yeah!  Disneyland!

 

The hot dogs high-five.

 

The hot dogs think they are safe, but, alas, they are very wrong.  Unbeknownst to them, they have been surrounded by the group of birds from the beginning of the play.

 

Birds:  Caw!  Caw!  Food!  Caw!  Caw!

 

Hot Dog #1: Oh, no!   There’re birds everywhere!

 

Hot Dog #2: Run! Again!

 

The hot dogs run off-stage, the birds flapping after them.

 

The family steps out on-stage.

 

Dad:  There goes our lunch.  What now?

 

Mom:  I saw some discounted hamburgers at the grocery store.

 

Dad:  Sounds good to me.  What do you say, kids?

 

Kids:  (high-fiving)  More mystery meat!  Yaaaaaay!

 

 THE END