Evan Baughfman
Plays

This was inspired by a story that my students wrote.

My version of the tale is "pro-literacy".  Hmmm...I wonder why!

 

The Uninvited Guest

 

Character list:

 

Benjamin – a bored kid; 10 years old

Dad – not a big fan of reading

Mom –loves to read

Bryanna – Benjamin’s younger sister; 8 years old

Burglar/Robber

Police Officer

 

A family gathers in a living room.  They all read books.

 

Dad:  Saturday Night Reading Night.  (sarcastically) Isn’t this great, kids? 

 

Kids:  (unconvincingly) Yeah…The best…

 

Mom:  I knew you’d all love it.

 

Dad:  (sarcastically) This is a total blast.  Right, kids?

 

Kids:  (unconvincingly) Yeah…Totally…

 

Mom:  Fantastic!  Don’t you love how silent it is in here?

 

Dad:  …

 

Kids:  …

 

Mom:  Exactly!  It’s so peaceful!  Nothing can ruin this tranquility!

 

There is the sudden sound of glass breaking.

 

Benjamin:  Whoa!  Did you hear that?

 

Bryanna:  Yeah!  What was that, Dad?

 

Dad:  Something that’s definitely more interesting than this book.

 

His wife glares at him.

 

Dad:  I mean…It’s a real shame that I have to bookmark this page and go investigate that mysterious sound.

 

Benjamin:  Sounds like it came from the kitchen!

 

Bryanna:  (frightened)  Mom!  Dad!  Maybe the hot dogs you bought for tomorrow’s barbeque came to life!  Just like in my nightmare!

 

Mom:  Now, now, honey.  Living hot dogs?  That’s just silly.

 

There is a loud CRASH!

 

Benjamin:  What was that?!

 

Dad:  Let’s go see.  Wanna be my back-up, kids?

 

Kids: (excitedly)  Yaaaaaay!

 

Mom:  I don’t think so.  Back to reading, you two.

 

Kids:  (sad)  Awwwww!

 

Dad goes for the kitchen, but a burglar suddenly walks into the room, eating from an open bag of chips.

 

Benjamin:  Look, Dad!   A burglar!

 

Dad:  Yes, I have eyes, Benjamin!

 

Burglar:  Oh.  Um.  Heyyyyy.  I didn’t know anyone was home.  (offering) Chips?  Anyone? 

 

Dad:  Those were for tomorrow’s barbeque.

 

Burglar:  (placing the chips aside) Sorry, I didn’t see the glow of a T.V. through the windows back there.  And you guys were being really, really quiet.

 

Bryanna:  It’s Saturday Night Reading Night.

 

Burglar:  That’s a thing?

 

Benjamin:  For us it is.

 

Burglar:  Be grateful, kids.  Perhaps if I had read more as a young man, I wouldn’t be the lowly member of society you see before yourselves today.

 

Mom:  See, kids?  Listen to the criminal.

 

Dad:  (to the burglar) You get one chance to leave on your own before I make you leave, scumbag!

 

Burglar:  Wow!  Man, I must be off my “A-game,” if you think you can just talk to me that way.   Okay, time to get serious.

 

He pulls out an obviously fake toy gun.  “The burglar” is now “the robber”.

 

Robber:  Stick ’em up, folks!  This burglary has just been upgraded to a robbery! 

 

Benjamin:  What’s the difference?

 

Mom:  If you read more, you’d know!

 

Robber:  I said, stick ’em up!  Sky high!  I swear to you, this is not a toy gun!  It is the real deal!  Lead me to your valuables.  Jewelry.  Video game systems.  Buried treasure.

 

The family holds their hands up high.  Dad moves back to the couch.

 

Robber:  That’s right, hero!  Trying to act tough in front of your wife and kids?  Dumb move, pal!  The things I’ve seen, the things I’ve been through…I tell you, no one’s as tough as I am!  No one!

 

The robber suddenly trips on nothing.

 

Robber:  Oh, man!  My back!  Oww!

 

The family laughs.

 

Robber:  Hey!  That’s not nice!  I think I really pulled something!

 

Benjamin: Run!

 

The family members run in different directions, separating from each other, making the robber confused.  In the confusion, the dad gets hold of a phone and calls 911.

 

Police Officer:  Hello.  This is the Police Department.

 

Dad:  Help, there is a robber in my house!  He has a gun!  I have a wife!  Two kids! 

 

Police Officer:  Sir, I will be there shortly.  Whatever you do, do not let your family out of your sight.

 

Dad:  Really?  D’oh!

 

He hangs up the phone. 

 

Police Officer:  Hello?  Hello?  Sir, I didn’t get your address…

 

The dad searches for his family.

 

Dad: Where are you guys?

 

The robber appears, pointing the gun at the others.

 

Bryanna:  Help!  Dad!

 

Benjamin: AyudaAyuda!

 

Mom:  Husband!  Help!

 

Dad: (to the robber) No more games, stranger! (picking up a thick book, raising it like a weapon)

 

Mom:  Be careful with that, dear!

 

Dad:  (to the robber) This is between me and you!

 

Robber:  Bad choice!

 

The two men charge at each other in slow motion. 

 

This time, both men trip on nothing, grab their backs in pain, and collide into one another.  Both of them end up knocked out.  Then, the police officer arrives on-scene.

 

Police Officer:  Freeze!  Put your hands up!  I used all resources available to me to trace the phone call to this very location...Wait. (looks at both unconscious men) Never mind.

 

The officer picks up the robber’s gun, inspects it.

 

Police Officer:  Yep.  Just as I thought.  It’s a fake.

 

Benjamin:  (shocked) But he swore it was real!

 

Bryanna:  (also shocked)  That bad guy lied to us!

 

Police Officer:  Criminals have no code of ethics.  I’ve met a lot of bad apples in my lifetime, kids.  Read every day, and you will make something of yourselves.

 

Mom:  See, kids?  Listen to the police officer.

 

Kids:  (upset)  Awwwww!

 

The End.

 

Read more...

This was inspired by a story that my students wrote.

 

“Hot Dog Crisis”

adapted into a play by Evan Baughfman

 

Characters:

Dad 

Mom 

Emilia 

Brother 

Hot Dog #1

Hot Dog #2  

Birds  

 

One day, a family has a barbeque in the backyard.  The kids play, while their dad stands at the grill.  A group of birds hangs out in the corner.

 

Dad:  Don’t you love the smell of smog in the afternoon?  What a beautiful day for a barbeque. 

 

Birds:  Caw!  Caw!  Food!  Caw!  Caw!

 

Emilia:  What’s for lunch?  Are we having chicken?

 

Birds:  How rude!  You monsters!

 

They fly away.

 

Dad:  No, Emilia.

 

Brother:  Are we having braised pork ribs?

 

Dad:  No, son.  It’s a hot dog kind of day.

 

Emilia:  I wonder what part of the pig my hot dog will come from? 

 

Brother:  Me, too!

 

Kids:  Mystery meat!  Yaaaaaaay!

 

The kids high-five.

 

Mom enters with a package of hot dogs and a bag of coal.

 

Mom:  A “mystery” is right, kids.  Your dad’s paycheck wasn’t as big this month, so I had to buy these discounted hot dogs.  There is no telling what kind of animal they come from.

 

Kids:  (whiny) Daaaaaaaaaaaad.

 

Dad:  Sorry, kids. 

 

Brother:  Maybe it’s real dog meat!  Like Chihuahua or Golden Retriever!

 

Emilia:  As long as it’s not raccoon.  Remember how sick we got the last time we ate raccoon?

 

Dad:  We only eat raccoon on special occasions, honey.

 

Mom hands over the hot dogs and the bag of coal.

 

Mom:  This “magic coal” was on sale, too.

 

Dad:  Why is there a big warning label on it?

 

Mom:  Huh.  How’d I miss that? 

 

Emilia:  (reading the label) “Warning:  Only experienced magicians should use this coal.  Results can be unpredictable.”

 

Brother:  Good thing Dad knows magic!

 

Dad:  They don’t call me the “Great Dadini” for nothing.

 

Mom:  No one calls you that, dear.

 

The magic coals are put on the grill.  Dad lights the coals.  The hot dogs are placed on the grill. 

 

Dad:  (waving his spatula like a magic wand)  Abracadabra!  Alakazam!  Hot dogs, be tastier than green eggs and ham!

 

Nothing happens.

 

Dad:  (again, waving his spatula like a magic wand)  Abracadabra!  Alakazam!  Hot dogs, be tastier than green eggs and ham!

 

Again, nothing happens.

 

Emilia: Are the hot dogs ready yet?

 

Brother: Yeah, I’m starving!

 

Dad:  You can’t rush magic, kids!  You know that!

 

Suddenly, two hot dogs come to life and leap off the grill.

 

Hot Dogs: Aaaaahhhh!

 

Dad: Aaaaahhhh!

 

Hot Dogs: Aaaaahhhh!

 

Mom:  Aaaaahhhh!

 

Hot Dogs: Aaaaahhhh!

 

 

Kids: Aaaaahhhh!

 

The hot dogs look at the family.  The family look at the hot dogs.

 

Family and hotdogs all in unison: Aaaaahhhh!

 

Hot Dog #1: Quiet down, everybody.  We’re sorry for yelling.

 

The whole family shuts their mouths in shock.

 

Hot Dog #2: The coals were burning our bottoms.  It was very uncomfortable.

 

Hot Dog #1:  And we don’t want to be eaten!

 

Hot Dog #2:  That, too!

 

Dad: Well, too bad! 

 

Hot Dog #1:  But we are sentient now!

 

Hot Dog #2:  We are now able to feel pain and experience emotion.

 

Hot Dog #1:  We can be fine companions to your children. 

 

Hot Dog #2:  Yes, we’ll play many games with them.

 

Dad:  Our kids know the rules:  no playing with their food.

 

Mom:  And I paid money for you.  Now you’ve got to be eaten!

 

Hot Dog #1: (to #2) Run!

 

Mom: You can run, but you can’t hide!

 

Kids: Get them!

 

Hot Dog #1:  (at the grill) Let’s hide here.

 

Hot Dog #2:  Good idea!  That will be the last place they look!

 

They hide behind the grill.

 

Dad: Where did they go? 

 

The kids check behind the grill.

 

Kids:  Here they are!

 

Hot Dog #2:  Bad idea!  This is the first place they looked!

 

Hot Dog #1:  (pointing)  Look!  After returning from the grocery store, that adult human female left the side gate open!

 

Hot Dog #2:  Let’s go!

 

The hot dogs dodge the family and make it through the open gate.  Now, they are on the street.

 

Hot Dog #1: Oh, jeez!  We made it!  We’re safe!

 

Hot Dog #2:  Finally, we got out of there!

 

Hot Dog #1:  What now?  Disneyland?

 

Hot Dog #2:  Yeah!  Disneyland!

 

The hot dogs high-five.

 

The hot dogs think they are safe, but, alas, they are very wrong.  Unbeknownst to them, they have been surrounded by the group of birds from the beginning of the play.

 

Birds:  Caw!  Caw!  Food!  Caw!  Caw!

 

Hot Dog #1: Oh, no!   There’re birds everywhere!

 

Hot Dog #2: Run! Again!

 

The hot dogs run off-stage, the birds flapping after them.

 

The family steps out on-stage.

 

Dad:  There goes our lunch.  What now?

 

Mom:  I saw some discounted hamburgers at the grocery store.

 

Dad:  Sounds good to me.  What do you say, kids?

 

Kids:  (high-fiving)  More mystery meat!  Yaaaaaay!

 

 THE END

 

 

 

 

Read more...

This was inspired by a story that my students wrote.

 

“The Pizza Man’s Problem”

adapted into a play by Evan Baughfman

 

Synopsis: When his automatic pizza machine breaks, the owner of a pizzeria must find the self-confidence to make his food from scratch.

 

Character List:

 

Pizza Man – owner of a pizzeria; lacks self-confidence

Dad – patriarch of a hungry family

Mom  - matriarch of a hungry family

Maribel  - a hungry girl

Bryan  - a hungry boy

Mechanic – the family’s helpful neighbor 

 

The Pizza Man is in his pizzeria, scrubbing down a table.

 

Pizza Man:  (to himself) I am the Pizza Man, that’s who I am.  I am the Pizza Man, that’s who I am… 

 

A family of four enters the Pizza Man’s shop.

 

Dad: Hello, Mr. Pizza Man.   We would like a large pizza, please.

 

Pizza Man:  Sure, my good senor!  I will have your large pizza pie done right away, sir! 

 

Dad:  Great!

 

Pizza Man:  What kinds of toppings would you like on it?

 

Dad:  What would you like, Maribel? 

 

Maribel:  Scrambled eggs!

 

Pizza Man:  Ah, yes!  Scrambled eggs—a good choice!

 

Dad: Bryan, what’s your topping choice, son?

 

Bryan:  I want Jolly Ranchers!

 

Pizza Man:  Of course!  Scrambled eggs and Jolly Ranchers—a perfect combination!

 

Dad:  My wife would also like to add a topping.

 

Pizza Man:  Not a problem!

 

Mom:  Some pepperoni, too, please.

 

Pizza Man:   Pepperoni on a pizza?  That is a strange request!  But I will allow it!  I’ll be back in a jiffy with your delicious pizza pie!

 

The Pizza Man disappears into the back of his shop.  The family waits, impatiently.

 

Mom: That pizza sure is taking long.

 

Kids:  (whiny) We’re huuuuuuungry!

 

Dad:  Let’s try to be patient.  It said online that this is the best pizza place in town.

 

Mom:  I think maybe we should leave.

 

Dad: (shouting into the back of the shop)  Hello?  Excuse me?  Mr. Pizza Man?  What’s the hold-up?

 

The Pizza Man appears, sad.  He holds a pizza box and puts it on the table.

 

Pizza Man:  (on the verge of tears)  I am afraid I have some very bad news. 

 

Mom:  What is it?  There’s something wrong with our pizza, isn’t there?

 

Pizza Man:  I didn’t want to tell you when I first saw you, but…My automatic pizza machine is broken!  It broke this morning!

 

Maribel:  What’s an automatic pizza machine?

 

Pizza Man:  It is like an automatic taco machine that automatically makes tacos with just the push of a few buttons.  Except, my automatic pizza machine makes pizza, not tacos.

 

Bryan:  Why don’t you just bake a pizza the old-fashioned way?

 

Pizza Man:  Mama mia!  I can’t do it!

 

Dad:  You can’t?

 

Pizza Man:  I can’t!

 

Mom:  Let me get this straight.  You can’t bake the old-fashioned way?

 

Pizza Man:  That is right!  I cannot!

 

Maribel:  Really?  You can’t?

 

Pizza Man:  I can’t!  It has been so long since I’ve done things the old-fashioned way, I have forgotten how!  I just tried, and what I made is absolutely inedible!  Here, have a look!

 

He passes the pizza box around.

 

Mom:  That’s a pizza?

 

Bryan:  I think I’m going to be sick!

 

Maribel:  Ewww!  Get that out of my sight!

 

Dad:  What is this thing, Pizza Man?

 

The Pizza Man throws the pizza box aside like it’s a piece of trash.

 

Pizza Man:  I know, I know!  I am so ashamed!  It’s just…the automatic pizza machine makes things so easy!  All I have to do is put in the ingredients and press a few buttons…Then, voila!  A delicious pizza pie is made!

 

Mom:  But...doesn’t that make you kind of a “fraud”?

 

Pizza Man:  Please, do not make me feel any worse than I already do! 

 

Maribel:  Mom, Dad…Isn’t our neighbor a mechanic?

 

Bryan:  Yeah, give him a call, and maybe he can fix the machine!

 

Dad: Good thinking, kids.

 

Pizza Man:  Oh, really?  That would be great!

 

Dad: (pulls out a phone) Hold on a moment while I make this call.

 

He exits.

 

Pizza Man:  I’m really sorry about this.

 

Mom:  You’re lucky that we were craving a scrambled-egg-Jolly-Rancher-and-pepperoni pizza! 

 

Maribel:  And that we’re too lazy to go somewhere else!

 

Bryan:  Exactly!

 

Dad returns.

 

Dad:  The mechanic is on his way.

 

Pizza Man: Oh, thank you very much!

 

Dad:  Don’t thank me.  Thank him.  He said he’s leaving his daughter’s quinceanera to be here, and that he’ll be here right away.

 

The mechanic walks in, holding a toolbox.

 

Family:  (waving) Hiiiii, neighbor!

 

Mechanic:  Hello.  (to the Pizza Man) Where’s this machine that needs fixing?

 

Pizza Man:  Oh, thank you for coming!  Follow me!

 

Mechanic:  Just point me in the right direction.  I work better when I’m alone.

 

Pizza Man:  Okay.  (points) The machine is back there.

 

The mechanic disappears in the back.  LOUD NOISES are heard off-stage.

 

Pizza Man:  It sounds like he is making progress.

 

Mechanic: (off-stage)  No, no, noooooooo!

 

The mechanic returns.

 

Mechanic:  This is the most difficult part of my job.  Sir, I’m sorry to say that your automatic pizza machine will never make pizza pies again.

 

Pizza Man:  (falling to his knees)  Noooooooooo!

 

Mechanic:  I did all I could, I swear.  But this was one of the worst cases I’ve ever seen.  Worse even than the Domino’s Incident of 2008 or the Great Pizza Hut Debacle of 2012.

 

Pizza Man:  How much do I owe you?

 

Mechanic:  Nothing.  The memories of this job are payment enough.  Good luck.

 

The mechanic leaves.

 

Family:  (waving)  Byyyyyye, neighbor!

 

Pizza Man:  Oh, well.  I guess I’ll have to use my life savings to buy a new automatic pizza machine.  There goes my retirement…

 

Maribel:  No, Pizza Man!  You can make a pizza from scratch, just like in the old days!

 

Pizza Man:  No!  I can’t!

 

Bryan:  Yes, you can!  Concentrate!

 

Pizza Man:  I can’t, I tell you!

 

Mom:  There is no “can’t”!  There is only “do”!

 

Pizza Man:  Please!  Don’t make me!  I just can’t do it!

 

Dad:  We believe in you, Mr. Pizza Man.  Right, family?

 

Family:  Yeah!  (they start a chant)  The Pizza Man can…The Pizza Man can…The Pizza Man can…

 

Pizza Man:  Fine.  Yes.  I remember now.  That old feeling is back.  It’s called “confidence”.  I just need to be brave enough to try it again.

 

The Pizza Man closes his eyes.

 

Pizza Man:  (to himself)  I am the Pizza Man, that’s who I am.  I am the Pizza Man, that’s who I am.  (more confident now)  I AM THE PIZZA MAN, THAT’S WHO I AM!

 

He raises a fist to the sky.

 

Pizza Man: I will go make you your pizza pie!

 

Family:  (clapping) Hooray!

 

Pizza Man rushes off.  Soon, he returns with a new pizza box.

 

Pizza Man:  Look at this!  I made a delicious pizza pie the old-fashioned way! (he pantomimes the steps) First, I kneaded the dough!  I then spread out the sauce!  After that, I sprinkled on some cheese!  Next, I added your toppings!  Finally, I baked it all in my oven!

 

Dad:  We knew you could do it!

 

Maribel:  It smells so good!

 

Bryan:  My mouth is watering!

 

Mom:  You’re the real deal, Pizza Man!

 

Pizza Man:  Thank you, strange family, for having faith in me and pushing me to be my best!

 

Dad:  (hands the Pizza Man money)  No, thank you.  Come on, family.  Let’s go finally eat this delicious, handmade pizza pie.

 

The family leaves.

 

The Pizza Man holds his money high in triumph.

 

PIZZA MAN:  (LOUDER THAN EVER)  I AM THE PIZZA MAN, THAT’S WHO I AM!

 

THE END 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sharks terrify me, but I find them to be very interesting.  This play is inspired by real-life shark conservationist, Rodney Fox.

Rodney Fox, a man much braver than I.  And I doubt he really speaks to sharks like this.

 

Synopsis:

From behind the safety of his observation cage, inventor and great white shark conservationist, Rodney Fox, recounts his past experience with the animal, along with giving facts, and dispelling misconceptions, about the beast. Meanwhile, the hungry great white tells the audience what’s really on her mind.

 

Characters:

RODNEY FOX, the inventor of the shark observation cage

GREAT WHITE SHARK, the ocean’s hungry apex predator

 

“UNCAGED”

(Lights up on RODNEY FOX dressed all in black. He wears a snorkel mask or water goggles over his eyes, gloves on his hands. There are also flippers on his feet, or he could be barefoot. A backpack on his back represents an oxygen tank. A duffel bag lies at his feet.

(FOX stands in the center of a circle of chairs, which represent a cage protecting him from… something…FOX slowly turns inside the “cage,” checking his surroundings, above, below, behind him.)

 

FOX

Come on, where are you, girl?   Got you tagged. Water’s not that murky. I know you’re here. You sensed me from miles away.

 

(Then, FOX sees something approaching in the distance.)

 

FOX

There you are. Come to Papa.

 

(The “Jaws” theme plays as a woman with a shark fin on her head slowly approaches. She is the GREAT WHITE SHARK many people fear. SHARK wears a white shirt under a dark coat. The fin on her head is dark, possibly black, but a bright “tag” is attached to it.)

 

SHARK

Swim. Swim. Food. Swim. Swim. Food. Food. Food. Swim. Food. Food.   Swim.

 

FOX

You are gorgeous. What are you now? Nineteen, twenty years old? How many times has that white belly of yours been filled with pups?

 

SHARK

Food. Food. Swim. Swim. Food. Food. Food.

 

FOX

There’s so much we gotta learn about you. You are such a beautiful mystery.

 

(FOX taps the side of his cage. SHARK halts.)

 

SHARK

What was that? Food, food, food?

 

(SHARK approaches the cage.)

 

FOX

Yes, darling. Haven’t seen you in years, have I?

 

SHARK

Don’t smell food. Don’t smell food. But I feel food. I feel it.

 

FOX

You feel that vibration, that little bit of electricity between us. That tiny spark.

 

SHARK

I see something. Something. Food? Food? Maybe. Maybe.

 

(SHARK bumps into the side of the cage. FOX stumbles around inside the cage while SHARK backs off.)

 

FOX

Yes! Yessssss! You found me. I’m right here, my dear.

 

SHARK

Huh. That’s big. Big food. Biiiiiiiiiiiiig.

 

FOX

Come back for seconds now, darling.

 

(SHARK bumps into the side of the cage again. FOX stumbles around inside, laughing.)

 

SHARK

What is that? What iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis that?

 

FOX

Oooooo, girl, do you know where I am? Do you see me?

 

SHARK

Seal? Seal? Is that a big, fat seal inside that thing?

 

(SHARK moves back toward the cage.)

 

SHARK

Funny-looking seal. Ugly, strange seal.

 

FOX

Don’t be confused. I’m your friend, girl. I will always be your friend.

 

(FOX rummages in the bag at his feet.)

 

SHARK

Can’t smell the seal. Seal smell. Seal smell. Seal smells like—

 

(FOX pulls a fish out of the bag.)

 

SHARK

—FISH! FISHY-FISH! FOOD, FOOD, FOOOOOOOOOOD!

 

(SHARK hits the cage a little harder this time.)

 

FOX

I’ve got a little present for my gal. You want it?

 

SHARK

Yes! Fatty fish. Not dolphin fish, but still yummy fish.

 

(SHARK circles the cage.)

 

FOX

Good girl. Goooood.

 

SHARK

Blood. Food. Blood. Blood. Fish. Food. Fish. Fish. Food.

 

FOX

You’re not so bad. Just misunderstood. That Spielberg movie nearly ruined it all.

 

SHARK

I’m so hungry, I could eat a whale. Oooo, that sounds good. Whale fish. Whale fish. Where’s a whale fish?  

 

FOX

Poor girl. If I never helped Spielberg with that shark footage, maybe people would like you better. There’s no need to fear you. You’re gentle.

 

(SHARK hits the cage again.)

 

SHARK

Nope. Not a whale fish. Didn’t think so, but had to make sure.

 

FOX

Haha, okay, maybe you’re not that gentle, but still…You’re just curious. Curiosity should be rewarded.

 

(FOX tosses the fish out of the cage. SHARK races toward it.)

 

FOX

Gobble it up, girl! Gobble it up!  

 

(SHARK grabs the fish and begins to ferociously chew on it.)

 

SHARK

Delicious. Warm. Gooey. Fishy-fish. I like fishy-fish.

 

FOX

Thatta girl. Force it down your gullet. Fill that belly.

 

(SHARK takes a couple “bites” of the fish and then stuffs it under her shirt, giving her the appearance of a “full stomach.”)

 

SHARK

Getting full, but not full yet. More. More fishy-fish. More.

 

(She circles the cage.)

 

FOX

You are dangerous, but it’s not your fault, really. It’s how you’re designed. A body to die for. Jaws of steel. But poor eyesight doesn’t help.

 

SHARK

Food, food, food. More food.

 

FOX

I forgive you, you know.

 

SHARK

Fish. Fish. More fishy-fish.

 

FOX

Okay, not you specifically, but you get the idea. You. All of you. The great whites. I forgave you a long time ago. I wish others would do the same.

 

SHARK

Fishy-fish. Yummy in my tummy. More, more. I want more.

 

FOX

It was my fault.

 

SHARK

No? No more? Do you have more? I want more.

 

FOX

I should’ve known.

 

SHARK

Yes. Yes, please. Gimme more fishy-fish. Yum yum.

 

FOX

That day, all those years ago…1963…

 

SHARK

Swimming in circles. Swimming in circles around whatever this thing is…Waiting for my fishy-fish.

 

FOX

Maybe I shouldn’t have gone spear-fishing that day. I don’t know. But if I never went in the water that day, would my eyes be as open as they are now?

 

SHARK

Nope, nope, nope. I’m not bored. Not bored swimming in circles around whatever this thing is…

 

FOX

If I were never attacked, would I have found my calling?

 

SHARK

No, no. Not bored. Definitely not bored.

 

FOX

Probably not. I never saw her coming. The shark. That beautiful girl.

 

SHARK

Okay, maybe I’m bored.

 

FOX

She hit me like a freight train.

 

(SHARK suddenly slams against the cage. FOX falls back, chuckling.)

 

FOX

Whoa, there!

 

SHARK

Got any more fishy-fish? I want more. I need more.

 

FOX

I remember being in her jaws. In her amazing grip. Her teeth sliced through me. I didn’t even feel pain at first. Just pressure. I couldn’t breathe. My first thoughts were that I was gonna drown.

 

SHARK

Any more fishy-fish gonna pop outta that thing?

 

FOX

I was powerless. I was hers…And then she let me go. I didn’t know why then. I didn’t care. I was just relieved. Grateful for the chance to fight for my life.

 

SHARK

Okay, okay. Was this a tease? Why am I being teased here?

 

FOX

Over 400 stitches needed to put me back together.

 

SHARK

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see what’s going on here. You want me to perform tricks. Earn the fishy-fish.

 

FOX

I still have her tooth in my wrist today.

 

SHARK

I don’t do tricks. I’m not a dolphin. Nope. Not a dolphin fish…Mmmmm… Dolphin fish…

 

FOX

I love the sea, the creatures in it. I wasn’t ever gonna stay away from the ocean. But I was scared at first to go back in the water. I needed to know I was safe, that I wouldn’t be attacked again.

 

(FOX pulls another fish out of the bag and tosses it out of the cage.)

 

SHARK

FISHY-FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISH!

 

(SHARK begins to “devour” it again.)

 

FOX

I couldn’t find any real info on your species. I just had to know more...

 

SHARK

Mmmmm. Better than squid fish. Ink gets all stuck in the gills.

 

FOX

Everyone I talked to had a negative opinion of you. They were all terrified. But…the one who attacked me…She let me go…

 

SHARK

Better than swordfishy-fish, still stabbing on the way down.

 

FOX

I had to know why I survived and how not to be afraid. So I built this…

 

(FOX raps against the side of the cage.)

 

FOX

The shark observation cage. Cousteau, eat your heart out. People thought I was crazy, going back in the water with the likes of you. “Rodney, you fool,” they said. “Mr. Fox, aren’t you scared?” But I was protected. I was ready to learn what you had to teach me.

 

(SHARK circles the cage again.)

 

SHARK

More fishy-fish. Here fishy-fish, here fishy-fish.

 

FOX

I documented your behavior for years. Tried to educate the public, leave the myths about you behind. But even I unwittingly hurt you…

 

(FOX shakes his fist.)

 

FOX

SPIELBERG! WHAT DID WE DO?!

 

SHARK

Food, food, food.

 

FOX

Now we know better. You’re not a monster, a “man eater.”

 

SHARK

Turtle fish. Seagull fish. Tuna fish. Gimme more fishy-fish.

 

FOX

Dogs kill more people each year than sharks have in the entire last century. People are more likely to be struck by lightning. Yet, they still fear you…

 

(FOX reaches a hand out toward SHARK.)

 

FOX

Not me, though. Not anymore.

 

(SHARK circles close enough to the cage for FOX to run a hand across her.)

 

FOX

I can feel the dentricles on your back. Like little teeth.

 

SHARK

Tickle-tickle. What’s that tickle-tickle?

 

(SHARK turns back around sharply. FOX brings his hand back into the cage.)

 

FOX

Now I know her bite was a test. She didn’t want me. It’s why she let me go. She grabbed me to see if I was something she would like to eat. I wasn’t.

 

SHARK

Hammerhead fish not yummy. Too heavy. Sits in belly.

 

FOX

You don’t wanna hurt us. You just get confused. Sometimes, though, when you spit us back out, it’s too late.

 

SHARK

Fishy-fish. Where are you hiding fishy-fish?

 

FOX

We cage ourselves to see you, because we can’t cage you ourselves. You never survive in captivity. You don’t belong in an aquarium. And, behind these bars, we can see you for what you are. A thing of majesty.

 

SHARK

Just pooped a bit. Nope. Just pooped a lot.  

 

FOX

You’re the keystone predator of the ocean. You control the diversity and abundance of sea life. We gotta stop killing you outta fear, or it will destroy the balance of—HOLY MUSTARD-COLORED FECAL MATTER! YOU JUST RELIEVED YOURSELF, GIRL!

 

SHARK

Don’t like swimming where I do my business.

 

FOX

I never get to see that! Oh, why did I leave my camera up on the boat?

 

SHARK

Swim, swim, swim. Swim away. Fast. Swim fast. Fast, fast.

 

(SHARK exits where she came from.)

 

FOX

Wait, girl! No! If you go now I might not ever see you again!

 

(But she is gone. FOX sighs.)

 

FOX

Great. You always leave me. Just one time, could I go with you? Leave the tourists behind? Let them find another expert to tag along with? Even for just a few minutes, could I break free of this cage? No one on the boat up there would even know I was gone…

 

(FOX sits there in silence for a few moments.)

 

FOX

Maybe someday. People still think I’m a tad nuts for being down here in the safety of the cage! Until more of them understand, I guess I can only dream…

 

(FOX pushes aside a couple of the chairs, as if he is opening the cage. He steps away from the cage, waving his arms, as if he is swimming freely in the ocean now.)

 

FOX

I’m free.

 

(SHARK returns, heading straight for FOX. FOX opens his arms, as if for a hug. SHARK swims tight circles around him. FOX embraces her and then grabs her fin.)

 

FOX

Let’s go, darling. Take me away. Show me your secrets.

 

(SHARK exits again, this time taking FOX along with her, he gripping onto her fin.)

 

Fade to black.

 

Read more...

This was inspired by a story that my students wrote.

 

“At the Pool’s Edge”

adapted into a play by Evan Baughfman

 

Characters:

Zulayka  

Brother 

Tia   

Octopus

Shark 

Lifeguard 

 

Zulayka and her brother walk beside a hotel pool.

 

Brother: Zulayka, watch!  See how close I can get to the pool’s edge!

 

He walks along the edge of the pool like it’s a tight rope. 

 

Zulayka:  (yanking him back)  Don’t do that!  You don’t know how to swim!

 

Brother:  (brushing her off)  Neither do you!

 

Zulayka:  Exactly!  You see me doing what you’re doing?  No, you don’t.

 

Brother:  Aw, you’re no fun!

 

Zulayka:  Tia said I had to watch you while she was at the room.  That’s what I’m doing.

 

Brother:  This is supposed to be a vacation, and all you wanna do is boss me around!

 

Zulayka:  When you get to be older than me, you can be the boss.

 

Brother:  But I’ll never be older than you!

 

Zulayka:  Aw, too bad for you!

 

Tia enters.

 

Tia:  Hey, you two!  I’ve been looking all over the hotel for you!

 

Kids:  Sorry, Tia.

 

Tia:  What’re you doing out here by the pool?  Did I say it was okay to be out here without me?

 

Kids:  No, Tia.  Sorry, Tia.

 

Tia:  It’s okay.  You wanna go with me into town and see what’s there?  Maybe we can get some ice cream?

 

Brother:  Alright!  Yeah!

 

Tia:  (to Zulayka) How about you?

 

Zulayka:  I guess so.

 

Tia:  You “guess so”?  Do you like being boring?  Where’s your sense of adventure? 

 

Brother:  That’s what I’ve been saying!

 

Tia:  Well, come on, let’s go, then.

 

Brother:  Tia, I have to go to the bathroom first.  Number Two.

 

Zulayka:  T.M.I.

 

Tia:  There’s a restroom in the lobby.

 

Brother:  But there might be strangers in there!

 

Tia:  Fine.  I’ll take you back to the room.

 

Zulayka:  I don’t want to walk all the way back there.  Can I just meet you in the lobby?

 

Tia:  Okay, but you only go to the lobby from here.  Nowhere else.  Got it?

 

Zulayka:  Yes.

 

Tia:  See you in the lobby in ten minutes.

 

Tia and Brother leave.

 

Zulayka:  I am not boring.

 

She walks along the pool’s edge like her brother had done before.

 

Zulayka:  I can be adventurous.  I can be just as– whoa!

 

She loses her balance and falls into the pool with a SPLASH! 

 

She struggles to swim and quickly sinks to the bottom of the pool.

 

Zulayka:  Help!  Help me!

 

She tries to swim, but she goes nowhere.  She looks back and sees an octopus latched onto her with a tentacle.

 

Octopus:  I’ve got you! 

 

Zulayka:  No!

 

Octopus:  Won’t you be my friend?  I’m so lonely down here.

 

Zulayka:  You’re not real.

 

Octopus:  Yes, I am.

 

Zulayka:  Octopuses don’t live in hotel pools.  You’re just a figment of my imagination! Something to hold me down!

 

Octopus:  Man, she’s smart.  Good luck with this one, Shark.

 

Zulayka:   “Shark”?!

 

The octopus releases the girl just as a shark approaches.

 

Shark:  Fresh food.  Yummy, yummy.

 

Zulayka:  Get away from me!

 

Shark:  Look at the helpless food.  (circling around the girl)  It can’t do anything to save itself.

 

Zulayka:  Stop it!  Tia!  Help me!  Tia!  Where are you?

 

Shark:  I love the taste of panic.  The taste of fear.

 

Zulayka:  You aren’t real!  You aren’t real!

 

Shark:  Smart girl.  Maybe you’ve got some fight in you left.

 

The shark swims away.  A lifeguard swims into the scene.

 

Zulayka:  Oh, good!  A lifeguard! 

 

Lifeguard:  You’re hallucinating.

 

Zulayka:  You can save me!

 

Lifeguard:  But I’m not really here.

 

Zulayka:  You’re a lifeguard, though.

 

Lifeguard:  There’s no lifeguard on duty at this pool.

 

Zulayka:  That’s right.  There isn’t…

 

Lifeguard:  You have to help yourself.

 

Zulayka:  But it’s so hard!

 

Lifeguard:  You have to try!

 

Zulayka:  You’re right!

 

Zulayka does her best to swim away from the imaginary lifeguard, but she only makes it a couple of feet before sinking again.

 

Zulayka:  Tia…Tia…Help me, Tia…

 

Zulayka curls up at the bottom of the pool, giving up, ready to sleep forever.

 

There is a SPLASH!  Suddenly, Tia is there!

 

Tia:  No!  Please!  Please, don’t let me be too late!

 

Tia grabs Zulayka and pulls her up to the surface.

 

Once on the surface, Tia carries Zulayka out of the pool.  The girl lies there on the ground, motionless.  Brother stands nearby, frightened.

 

Brother:  Is she okay?!

 

Tia:  I don’t know!

 

Zulayka coughs, spitting up water.

 

Tia:  Thank goodness!

 

Brother:  Yes!

 

Zulayka:  What happened?

 

Tia:  As soon as we left the pool area, we heard a splash.  I ran back and saw you were at the bottom.  Did you jump in?

 

Zulayka:  No.  I fell.  How long was I underwater for?

 

Tia:  Luckily, only for a few seconds.

 

Zulayka:  It felt like I was down there forever.  I was seeing things.

 

Tia:  You were at the edge of someplace else.  Someplace really bad.  You almost went through.  We almost lost you.  I’m glad we didn’t!

 

She pulls in both of the kids for a group hug.

 

Brother:  Tia?

 

Tia:  Yeah?

 

Brother:  I think we need swimming lessons.

 

Zulayka:  I agree.

 

Tia:  Yes, as soon as we get back home.

 

THE END

 

 

 

 

Read more...

This was written as a "sample text" so that my Creative Writing students would know the kind of thing I was looking for when I assigned them to create and perform their own fairy tale plays.

 

THE KING'S NEW CHILD

 

Setting: In a castle

 

NARRATOR: Once upon a time, a beautiful queen died of a sudden, swift illness. Her husband, the king, was left sad and lonely in his castle.

 

KING: If only my queen had given me a child before she passed away. Someone to preoccupy my time, someone to love! Someone to remember her by! Oh, how I wish, wish, wish for a child to call my own!

 

NARRATOR: As it just so happens, witches have fantastic hearing, and they are always listening for the cries of royalty.

 

A witch flies into the castle and greets the king.

 

WITCH: Did someone just wish, wish, wish for a witch, witch, witch?

 

KING: No, I wished, wished, wished for a child to call my own.

 

WITCH: What if I could give you what you so desire?

 

KING: Oh, could you, really? That would be fantastic!

 

WITCH: As you wish, wish, wish, my king!

 

NARRATOR: The witch flew in circles over the king and said the magic words.

 

WITCH: Flim flam! Alakazam! Green eggs and ham!

 

NARRATOR: And *poof!* Just like that, the king’s new child appeared before him. However, she was not what the king expected at all.

 

A dragon enters.

 

DRAGON: This is my daddy? Like, he’s all old and wrinkly.

 

KING: What sorcery is this? I asked for a child!

 

WITCH: Hehehe. This is a child. A young dragon, just for you.

 

KING: How old is she?

 

DRAGON: I’m, like, 173 years old.

 

KING: A teenage dragon?! Even worse! Nooooooooooooo!

 

WITCH: Good luck. You’ll need it. Hehehe.

 

The witch flies away.

 

DRAGON: Can I, like, go to the mall?

 

KING: Now?

 

DRAGON: I, like, need a One Direction poster.

 

KING: What’s a One Direction?

 

DRAGON: You have, like, lots of money, right?

 

KING: I am the king, yes. I have a room full of treasure.

 

DRAGON: Can you, like, buy me Harry? Or Niall? I could even settle for, like, Zayn.

 

KING: I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.

 

DRAGON: You never give me what I want! I hate you!

 

The dragon runs off, sobbing.

 

KING: What just happened?

 

NARRATOR: The king’s child was not easy to deal with.

 

The king brings a donkey to the dragon.

 

KING: Here is your new pet, my dear.

 

DRAGON: I said I wanted, like, a chupacabra. Something cute! Not a dumb donkey!

 

DONKEY: Excuse you, but I have a rather high IQ.

 

KING: Chupacabras are rare to come by. You already ate all the puppies and kittens in the kingdom.

 

DONKEY: Wait, no one told me the scary princess has an eating problem!

 

DRAGON: Daddy! He just, like, called me ugly and fat!

 

DONKEY: I did not!

 

DRAGON: Shut up!

 

The dragon kills the donkey and eats it.

 

DRAGON: Now I want a new one, Daddy! One that isn’t, like, so mean!

 

NARRATOR: The king could not deal with his daughter’s demands. He tried to find her a suitor, someone who would love her for her. Someone who would take her off his hands. But it was not easy to find the brat a boyfriend.

 

The king talks to a knight.

 

KING: Will you not take her out on even a single date?

 

KNIGHT: No offense, my lord, but your daughter is…not exactly my type.

 

KING: Is she not?

 

KNIGHT: First of all, I am a man. And she is not even a human being.

 

KING: Can you not look past that?

 

KNIGHT: Um…No.

 

The dragon enters behind the knight.

 

KNIGHT: Plus, she has a terrible temper.

 

DRAGON: No, I don’t! You’re, like, such a jerk!

 

The dragon kills and eats the knight.

 

KING: Not another one.

 

DRAGON: All I want is, like, a boyfriend, and you can’t even get that for me! I hate you! You never get me what I want!

 

The dragon runs away, sobbing.

 

KING: Being a father is tougher than I thought it would be. I wish, wish, wish my daughter were better behaved.

 

NARRATOR: As it just so happens, witches have fantastic hearing, and they are always listening for the cries of royalty.

 

The witch flies into the castle and greets the king.

 

WITCH: Hello, king.

 

KING: Not you again. I was hoping my fairy godmother would come.

 

WITCH: Silly king. Fairy godmothers don’t exist.

 

KING: Oh.

 

WITCH: Are you having problems with your little daughter?

 

KING: She’s terrible. Can you please make her a less horrible creature?

 

WITCH: Silly king. No one can choose who his child will be. He must love her no matter what. He must teach her how to behave. That is your duty as a parent.

 

KING: But I’m the king! I shouldn’t have to deal with this!

 

WITCH: Hehehe. Too bad, so sad.

 

The witch flies away.

 

NARRATOR: So the king went to his daughter.

 

The king meets the dragon.

 

DRAGON: Daddy, I’m, like, hungry. Go get me, like, a donkey or another knight. Now.

 

KING: No.

 

DRAGON: What did you just say to me?

 

KING: I said, NO! I am your father, and you will obey me. I know it’s not easy for you to be so different than everyone else. I understand, because I am the king, and everyone is afraid of me, too. But that does not give me the right to act like a jerk all the time.

 

DRAGON: Daddy-

 

KING: Listen to me. Your behavior has been unacceptable. You have to be better. You just have to! It must be difficult to not have a mother around. It’s not easy for me to not have her around, either. But we are all each other has. Understand? We have to be here for each other.

 

DRAGON: Okay, Daddy.

 

KING: I love you, daughter.

 

DRAGON: I love you, too. I’ll be better.

 

KING: Thank you.

 

The king and the dragon hug.

 

NARRATOR: The king and his child lived happily ever after. She someday married a Tyrannosaurus rex who was the prince in a neighboring kingdom, and she only complained to him some of the time.

 

The End.

Read more...

This was adapted into a play from the classic fable--some modern humor added in for effect.

I have used this in my classroom to introduce "theme" or "personification".

 

The Lion in Love

 

(In a living room: a fierce-looking LION sits in a chair across from a middle-aged MAN and a middle-aged WOMAN who sit on a couch. All three of them sit in awkward silence for a while.)

 

LION

So…this is weird.


WOMAN

Yes. We weren’t expecting company.

 

MAN

Well, just the pizza delivery guy. We haven’t had dinner yet.

 

LION

The Domino’s guy or the Pizza Hut guy?

 

MAN

Actually, we ordered from Papa John’s.

 

LION

Oh, man, that’s too bad.

 

WOMAN

What’s wrong with that? Papa John’s is our favorite! What’s yours? Pizza Hut? That place is so overrated!

 

LION

I’m a lion. I don’t eat pizza.

 

WOMAN

Oh, no, I guess you wouldn’t.

 

LION

I eat pizza delivery guys.

 

MAN

Wait. What’re you saying?

 

LION

Your pizza’s not coming. I skipped lunch, so when I saw that guy walking outside your house, I just did, you know…what lions do. I ripped him to shreds and ate him.

 

WOMAN

No wonder it’s taken so long. I was about to suggest we didn’t tip him when he got here.

 

LION

You don’t have to worry about that anymore. He’s not coming.

(pats his fat belly)

Or should I say, he’s already here.

 

(The MAN jumps up, very angry.)

 

MAN

You see, this is why we don’t want to let you marry our daughter!

 

LION

But Ursula is so beautiful! She’s the finest girl in the whole jungle!

 

MAN

She is, and you’re the King, and we’re flattered that you want her hand in marriage, but…

 

LION

But what?

 

(The WOMAN stands next to her husband.)

 

WOMAN

But we don’t know if it’s her hand in marriage you want, or just her hand!

 

LION

What’s that supposed to mean?

 

WOMAN

We mean, do you want to hold her hand softly like a gentleman, or do you just want to bite it off and chew on the bloody fingers? Are you going to rip her to shreds like you did to the pizza delivery guy?

 

LION

Well, no…I love her. I wouldn’t ever eat her…unless she cheats on me. If she cheated, I wouldn’t be very happy.

 

MAN

She wouldn’t ever cheat! How dare you say that about our little Ursula! She is the most beautiful, loyal, and sweet young lady in the whole jungle!

 

LION

That’s why I came here tonight to ask your permission to marry her!

 

MAN

We don’t give you our permission.

 

LION

I’m the King! I don’t need your permission, you know!

 

WOMAN

She won’t ever say “yes” if you pop the question. You frighten her.

 

LION

I don’t!

 

WOMAN

How do you know?

 

LION

She said hi to me once…I think.

 

MAN

No, your pointy teeth and razor-sharp claws give her nightmares! They give us nightmares!

 

LION

Don’t be afraid of me! Please! I’m not hungry anymore! I ate Papa John!

 

WOMAN

What if you do marry Ursula, and when you hug her, you accidentally end up scratching her to death with your claws?

 

MAN

Or, when you go to kiss her, you accidentally bite off her face with your fangs?

 

LION

I wouldn’t ever do that! I would be careful!

 

MAN

All it takes is one accidentally deadly kiss, and our Ursula’s beautiful face will be gone!

 

LION

No! Don’t say that! I don’t want to even think that!

 

WOMAN

We’re sorry, but unless you get your big teeth removed and your claws trimmed, we can’t let you marry her.

 

LION

I can’t be without my fangs and claws! That’s like asking LeBron to give up basketball!

 

MAN

No deal, then. Sorry, but it’s the only way.

 

LION

But zebras and giraffes would laugh at me.

 

WOMAN

You’re the King. If you told them to stop laughing, they would.

 

MAN

If you truly love Ursula, you’ll lose your teeth and claws. If you don’t truly love her, you won’t.

 

LION

I do truly love her!

 

WOMAN

Then you know what you have to do.

 

LION

This is horrible.

 

WOMAN

Love requires sacrifice and pain.

(points to her husband)

I should know. I married him.

 

THE NEXT DAY...

 

(The MAN and WOMAN sit on the couch again. There is a knock at the front door.)


WOMAN

The pizza’s here!

 

(The MAN answers the door. There is no pizza delivery guy, but the LION is there, holding a pizza.)

 

MAN

Oh. It’s you.

 

LION

Can I come in?

 

WOMAN

You ate the pizza delivery guy again!

 

LION

No, I didn’t. I saw him outside and paid him for the pizza.

 

WOMAN

That was awfully nice of you. Come in, please.

 

(The LION hands the MAN the pizza and steps inside. The MAN closes the door.)

 

MAN

Pizza Hut. Ugg. I guess it’s worth a try. Because of what you did last night, Papa John’s refuses to deliver here anymore.

 

LION

I’m sorry about that, I really am. And I wanted to eat the Pizza Hut guy, I really did. But I did what you asked. I took out my big, sharp teeth and trimmed my claws. I couldn’t hurt anything if I wanted to.

 

WOMAN

You did that for Ursula?

 

LION

Yes, I love her that much. Will you let me marry her now?

 

(The MAN and WOMAN look at each other for a second, and then they laugh loudly.)

 

LION

What’s so funny?

 

WOMAN

We can’t let you marry our daughter!

 

LION

What! Why not?

 

MAN

You’re a lion! An animal! Our beautiful daughter is going to marry an animal? That’s just too weird! It could never work out!

 

LION

You were never going to let me marry Ursula?

 

WOMAN

No way! We want her to marry a very successful, very human doctor.

 

LION

That makes me so angry!

 

MAN

What’re you going to do? Eat us? You don’t have fangs or claws anymore. Do your worst!

 

(The LION realizes this, sits on the couch, and cries.)

 

WOMAN

So much for being the King of the Jungle!

 

MAN

It’s more like the Wimp of the Jungle! What a dummy!

 

(They laugh more at the poor LION.)

 

WOMAN

Thanks for the pizza, your Highness…I mean, your Wimpiness!

 

The End.  Poor Lion!

Read more...

This was one of the very first plays I ever wrote.  Our church put it on when I was in high school.  Very cool opportunity.

The Story of Noah is a well-known one, but it's never been told quite like this...

 

Lions, and Tigers, and Bears--Oh, My!

 

Cast of Characters

 

NOAH- mankind’s final hope (male)

GOD- the Almighty (male)

HAM- Noah’s son (male)

PORK- Ham’s wife (female)

SHEM- Noah’s other son (male)

EVIL PERSON- not a nice individual (male or female)

SHEM’S WIFE- spouse of Shem (female)

NOAH’S WIFE- spouse of Noah (female)

JAPHETH- yes, another of Noah’s sons (male)

ANIMALS- various species and sizes (male or female)

 

(NOAH stands alone center-stage. He has a very serious look upon his face.)

 

NOAH

I am Noah, a man without fault or error. Except, well, I do have a sixth toe on my right foot, and I think I might have a few cavities…I should really lay off those sweets…But, um, yeah, I am nearly perfect. As blood was shed and evil possessed those around me, God took notice. I mean, really, how could He overlook any of it? He is all-seeing and all-knowing, after all. And I am pretty awesome, if I must say so myself…

 

(GOD walks onto the stage, moving with grace. He sits down in a seat at a table upstage right.)

 

NOAH (cont’d)

It all started one day while God and I were talking about Heaven’s favorite pastime, baseball…

 

(Noah joins God at the table and sits down across from the Lord.)

 

GOD

...and that is why I am right and you are wrong. Like always.

 

NOAH

No, no, I have to disagree with You there, God. The Dodgers are going to win it all this year.

 

GOD

Ha! When pigs fly! You know, I could make that happen. Wouldn’t that just make the people of Earth go crazy? “Look! In the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s…bacon…?”

 

NOAH

Oh, You think You know everything.

 

GOD

Well, don’t I?

 

NOAH

Show-off…So, then, which team is worthy of Your praise?

 

GOD

All are worthy of my praise. I’m just not dishing out much because of all the evil in the world. If my people would just—

 

NOAH

Uh, God, I’m sorry, but don’t get off track here. We were talking about baseball, not the world’s problems.

 

GOD

Fine, Noah, if you absolutely must know…The Angels are looking very nice these days. They’re so outstanding I’m toying with the idea of allowing some of them to live with me in Heaven for all of eternity.

 

NOAH

Angels in Heaven? Really?

 

GOD

Hey, what I say goes. And, by the way, I have to tell you something.

 

(A man, HAM, walks on-stage, followed by a woman, PORK. Pork carries a plate full of meat. Noah stands to greet them, smiling. The couple come over to the table.)

 

NOAH

God, it’s my son, Ham, and his wife, Pork.

 

GOD

Yes, Noah, I know. What’s your question, Ham?

 

NOAH

I thought You knew all?

 

GOD

I do. It’s for your sake.

 

HAM

How are you, God? You’re looking rather fit today.

 

PORK

Yes, God, have You been working out?

 

GOD

No, I just imagine myself this way…and POOF! I’ve got a six-pack and bazookas for arms. Why are you two kissing my butt?

 

(Pork places the plate of meat onto the table in front of God.)

 

HAM

Because it’s such a fine butt!

 

PORK

As hard as a rock!

 

NOAH

This is getting awkward. What’s going on? Ham, what is this meat on this plate? I’ve never seen anything sliced quite like it before.

 

HAM

Dad, that’s what we’re here for. God, will You name this meat after me?

 

PORK

Yes, God, would You? It comes from the loins of the pig. Ham’s jealous because You named the other pig meat after me. “Pork.” He won’t quit whining. Day and night he whines about “pork.” Won’t you please call this meat “ham”?

 

(Ham gets onto his knees, folding his hands together.)

 

GOD

Really, there’s no need to pray to me about this. I’m right here in front of you.

 

HAM

I’m not praying. I’m begging you, please name this meat after me.

 

GOD

Sure. It is done. Now both of you have pig meat named after yourselves.

 

HAM

Yes! Now I don’t have to listen to Pork’s bragging!

 

PORK

I never bragged.

 

HAM

Yes, you did. You and your cousin, Salami, kept rubbing it in about how much cooler you were because you had pig meat named after you, and—

 

NOAH

Please, stop the bickering.

 

PORK

Fine. Ham’s just a subdivision of pork anyway.

 

HAM

I can see it now…“Ham: The Other Other White Meat.”

 

PORK

Let’s go tell your brothers and your mom.

 

HAM

Thanks, God. I’ll never stop worshipping You!

 

GOD

Good idea.

 

(Ham and Pork leave. Ham skips off-stage.)

 

NOAH

God, what do I do with this meat? I can’t eat it. It’s from an unclean animal.

 

GOD

Well, if you people would just bathe the poor creatures…I sincerely hope no one else in your family wants meat named after him. The next thing I know—and, let’s face it, I do know—your son, Japheth, will want a new form of cow meat named after him.

 

NOAH

A “japheth-and-cheese sandwich” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, does it?

 

GOD

Noah, I’ve been trying to tell you something. You’re someone I respect. We have a friendly relationship with one another. Don’t kill any more animals. Not for food. Not for any reason.

 

NOAH

Why not?

 

GOD

I’ve decided to put an end to mankind. Soon, every human on this world will be dead for his or her evil ways.

 

NOAH

I’m not evil. My family’s not evil.

 

GOD

Don’t worry. You, your wife, your sons, and their wives will be spared.

 

NOAH

And the animals?

 

GOD

All in good time, my friend. But first you must build a boat out of timber. Time to take notes.

 

(God pulls out a pad of paper and a pen. He hands the items over to Noah. Noah takes notes while listening to God.)

 

GOD (cont’d)

Make rooms inside of the boat and smother its outside with tar.

 

NOAH

Would peanut butter work? It’s sticky.

 

GOD

No, use tar. Make the boat 450 feet long, 75 feet wide, and 45 feet high.

 

NOAH

That’s pretty big. How about 400 feet long, 60 feet wide, and 30 feet high?

 

GOD

How about I ask someone else if he or she would like to be spared from my horrible flood?

 

NOAH

How horrible is this flood going to be?

 

GOD

Just listen…Make a roof for the boat. Put three decks in it, and put a large door into its side.

 

NOAH

Large enough for an elephant?

 

GOD

Two elephants.

 

NOAH

How about a swimming pool? Jacuzzi?

 

GOD

Something tells me you’ll be sick of water. Swimming will be the last thing on your mind.

 

NOAH

Okay. Gotcha. Why must I build such a large boat?

 

GOD

I am going to kill every living thing on Earth with this tremendous flood. Kind of like what I did with Mars a while back. You and your family will stay on this boat throughout the flood.

 

NOAH

Why are we allowed to live?

 

GOD

You’re good people. You know how to care for animals. So that they may continue to live, I want you to take a male and female of every animal and bird onto the boat with you.

 

NOAH

Even hyenas? Their laughs really annoy me.

 

GOD

Even hyenas.

 

NOAH

Darn.

 

GOD

Take plenty of food for your family and the animals. Now the great flood will not wipe out all of my people or all of my beautiful animals.

 

NOAH

Are you sure we can’t leave the hyenas behind?

 

GOD

Just get to work. Don’t make me regret this decision.

 

SOME TIME LATER

 

(A large boat is on-stage. God and Noah stand before it.)

 

GOD (cont’d)

The ark is very nice.

 

NOAH

It’s called The Floating Jungle.

 

GOD

Go into The Floating Jungle with your family, for you are the only one who does what is right in the world. Take seven pairs of each ritually clean animal, and only one pair of every other unclean animal, along with you.

 

NOAH

It’s going to be crowded in there. A zoo, I tell you! A zoo!

 

GOD

You must do this so every kind of animal and bird will be able to thrive again on Earth. In seven days, I will unleash my fury onto the world. All will perish as they drown in the forty-day-and-night flood.

 

NOAH

(under his breath)

Can someone say “anger issues”?

 

GOD

What was that?

 

NOAH

Nothing. Sorry.

 

GOD

Be on the boat in seven days, Noah. The animals also. Or else.

 

SOMETIME LATER

 

(Noah, and another son, SHEM, stand beside the boat. As animals pass by, Shem checks them off on a clipboard.)

 

SHEM

Toucans, mice, bison, jackals…Check, check, check, check.

 

NOAH

Shem, my son, look who’s trying to creep aboard.

 

(An EVIL PERSON in a scary mask is now among the group of parading beasts.)

 

SHEM

Excuse me, buddy, but this ride is strictly for animals.

 

(The evil person moves close to Shem.)

 

EVIL PERSON

Hello. Do you like scary movies?

 

(Shem and Noah share confused looks. Noah walks up to the masked figure.)

 

EVIL PERSON

What’s your favorite scary movie, Noah?

 

SHEM

What’s a movie?

 

NOAH

You’ll have to get out of here. We need to get these animals onto the boat.

 

EVIL PERSON

Do you want to die today?

 

SHEM

Uh…no…That’s why we’re getting on the boat.

 

(God appears.)

 

GOD

Is this person causing problems?

 

EVIL PERSON

All of you be quiet! What’s up with this boat? Tell me or you all die!

 

GOD

You’re threatening the wrong people.

 

EVIL PERSON

Who are you to say what I can and can’t do?

 

GOD

I’m God.

 

EVIL PERSON

Really? Well…uh…if that’s the case, I’ll just be…

 

(The evil person runs off-stage.)

 

SHEM

What was that all about?

 

NOAH

That was one of the bad seeds.

 

GOD
Yes, one of many, unfortunately. Hopefully we won’t be having any of that in the future.

 

NOAH

You frightened him off for now. But what if he comes back?

 

(Just then, the evil person appears again on-stage, creeping up slowly behind the trio. The figure creeps up to the back of the boat and peeks around the side of the boat.)

 

GOD

Don’t worry about it.   He’ll be taken care of. Keep working on this, Shem.

 

SHEM

Okay, then…Beavers, check. Alligators, check. Flamingoes, check. Ferrets, check.

 

(One of the animals from the boat “attacks” the evil person, biting at his neck. [Someone off-stage throws a stuffed animal or puppet at the evil-doer, who thrashes about as if in pain.] Shem, Noah, and God don’t seem to notice. The evil person flails around and finally collapses in the background.)

 

NOAH

Well, we’ve almost got every bird and animal.

 

SHEM

Yep. All we need are lions, and tigers, and bears.

 

(A group of people approach the boat. Among them are Ham and Pork. Some of the others include NOAH’S WIFE, SHEM’S WIFE, and JAPHETH, and they carry stuffed animals.)

 

SHEM (cont’d)

You guys have the…

 

HAM

Lions…

 

PORK

And tigers…

 

SHEM’S WIFE

And bears.

 

NOAH’S WIFE

Oh, my.

 

(Noah approaches the woman.)

 

NOAH

What is it, my dear?

 

(Noah’s wife looks up to the sky. She points. Everyone looks upward.)

 

JAPHETH

What is it, Mom?

 

NOAH’S WIFE

It’s beginning to rain.

 

GOD

Good observation. It begins.

 

SHEM’S WIFE

Now?

 

GOD

It’s starting off light now. A slight drizzle. Soon, it’ll be raining cats and dogs.

 

JAPHETH

I thought we were trying to save all the animals?

 

GOD

These are the evil cats and dogs who didn’t make the cut. The ones who scratched up furniture and peed on rugs.

 

HAM

Harsh.

 

GOD

What was that?

 

HAM

Nothing.

 

GOD
In a few days, the water will be miles deep. I’d get into The Floating Jungle if I were you.

 

NOAH

Let’s do it.

 

(Noah and his family get into the boat with the remaining animals. The evil person still lies dead or unconscious in the background. God closes the door to the boat and walks away…)

 

FORTY DAYS LATER

 

(Everyone is now inside the boat. Animals are scattered around the cast.)

 

NOAH’S WIFE

It’s really coming down outside.

 

PORK

It’s raining jaguars and coyotes out there.

 

SHEM’S WIFE

We’re floating above the mountains now.

 

HAM

I hope this ends soon. The stench in here is unbearable, and I’m not just talking about the grizzlies.

 

JAPHETH

Why do animals smell so bad?

 

NOAH

Quit complaining. We’re lucky God asked us to do this.

 

(Shem shovels something off the floor and places it into a bucket.)

 

NOAH (cont’d)

How’s the scooping of the poop going?

 

SHEM

Same as always. Rabbit pellets are easy. Kangaroo dung isn’t much of a chore. Rhinoceros turds…That’s where I begin to draw a line.

 

PORK

I hope the rain stops soon.

 

ONLY 150 DAYS LATER

 

NOAH

The rain has stopped, my family. The Floating Jungle has held up well.

 

JAPHETH

What do we do now, Dad?

 

NOAH

Hmm…I guess we just sit here and float until God makes the water dry up. That shouldn’t take too long.

 

A MERE 40 DAYS INTO THE FUTURE

 

NOAH

The raven I sent out is taking a long time.

 

NOAH’S WIFE

I told you to send out the dove.

 

SHEM’S WIFE

Yeah, doves are more reliable.

 

HAM

Ravens are tricksters.

 

PORK

The way they just sit there above the chamber doors is really creepy, too.

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

(Noah holds a branch covered in leaves.)

 

NOAH

There is life again in the world.

 

HAM

Do we go outside, Dad?

 

NOAH

No, I will send the dove out again.

 

PORK

Strap a GPS to this one.

 

NOAH

A what?

 

DAYS LATER

 

PORK

Where’s the dove, Noah? I told you to secure a GPS to its ankle…

 

NOAH

And I told you that no such technology exists yet. I don’t know where the dove is. It must’ve found a home out there.

 

(God appears.)

 

GOD

That is exactly right. Noah, get out of here. Take all of the animals and your family with you. You may see the world now without life. Fill it with living creatures.

 

(Noah, his family, and the animals leave the boat.)

 

JAPHETH

Here we go. We get to start it over.

 

HAM

There’s so much pressure.

 

PORK

I hope we don’t screw this up.

 

SHEM

I know. What if we spawn evil?

 

GOD

Don’t worry. I will never curse the Earth again for man’s actions. Perhaps donkey’s actions or giant squid’s actions, but never man’s.

 

SHEM’S WIFE

That’s a relief.

 

GOD

I know that evil is in the minds of many when they are born. As long as the world exists, there will be a time for planting and a time for harvest. There will always be cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night.

 

NOAH

Dodgers and Giants.

 

HAM

Ham and pork.

 

NOAH’S WIFE

Dragons and unicorns.

 

GOD

Uh, huh, whatever.

 

NOAH

We trust Your judgment, my Lord.

 

GOD

Thank you. Have many children so that your descendants will live all over the Earth.

 

SHEM

That sounds like fun…Not…

 

SHEM’S WIFE

What was that?

 

SHEM

Nothing, my dear wife…

 

GOD

All of the animals will live in fear of you, for your power is greater than theirs. Except for sea cucumbers. I have made them vastly intelligent.

 

HAM

What’s a sea cucumber?

 

GOD

You can eat the animals and the plants. Again, you should probably stay away from the sea cucumbers. I know they sound like a food, but they’re not.

 

PORK

They’re no good in salad.

 

GOD

You must never eat meat with blood in it.

 

HAM

Why not?

 

GOD

First off, you’re not vampires. Secondly, there’s still life in that blood. That leads to my Number One Rule: If anyone takes the life of a human, the punishment will be death. This goes for both animals and people.

 

NOAH

The killer whales will have to learn not to take their name so seriously.

 

GOD

I will also now make my covenant to you and your descendants. This goes for all creatures of the Earth. I, God, promise never to destroy all living things with a flood. Fire…Maybe. Earthquake…Possibly. Famine…Most likely. But never a flood.

 

SHEM’S WIFE

That’s comforting.

 

SHEM

Yeah, we’ve already survived a good number of famines!

 

GOD

As a sign of my promise to you all, a rainbow will appear over the clouds whenever the rain stops falling. Whenever I see the rainbow, I will be reminded of my covenant to all beings of the world.

 

HAM

Couldn’t the sign be, like, a T-Rex riding a motorcycle across the sky instead?

 

GOD

No. The rainbow represents mankind. All the different kinds of people who will be blended together in blissful harmony and unity. The rainbow is mankind. From here until the end of time, it will be considered among the “manliest” of symbols.

 

(A rainbow appears in the sky. Everyone looks at it in awe. )

 

PORK

It’s beautiful.

 

HAM

It’s gorgeous, like it’s made out of ham.

 

GOD

I will never forget this promise. Never.

 

NOAH

I believe You.

 

EVERYONE

We all believe You.

 

GOD

I think I might even believe myself this time.  

 

Fade to black.

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